#WarriorQueenSpeaks

So, I've had my mastectomy, my draims removed (scars from my drains), and now I'm getting expanded for my reconstructive surgery.  You see things have changed, but I'm still gonna keep it pushing. I'm moving into Goddess from Queen level up mode. This mode requires me to protect me and my energy at all times. You see I know that their is one waiting for the worse, but I'm the one that just hurt your feelings. You see, I'm going to always be A muthafukin' 1 ya dig!!! This cancer did it's thang to me physically, mentally, and emotionally I can't lie about that, but now I'm in control like my girl Janet said. I don't care if you think I'm ugly or bald headed because I'm still cute with dimples and the hips of a Goddess in the words of Trina...I'm the baddest. So, many have worried about all the wrong ish, and it's ok. Because you can't understand what you haven't and hopefully won't ever have to go thru with this ...

I'm on the 12th floor with a beautiful view of the city. This view gives me a bit of hope for a beautiful view of my new life. But, it's been a 360° whirlwind of emotions. Like am I losing it😥😭 I act as if I can still do it all, like nothing is wrong.  And now I can understand why my cousin was hardheaded, well at least it seemed that way in our eyes. It was because we didn't understand how she was truly feeling inside. Your heart, soul, and spirit are broken. Who can you talk to? You can't look weak, and as a mother you sure don't wanna look weak in front of your kids. I don't want to look weak😭 I want to show my princes what a strong queen looks like. What a strong black woman looks like.  RIH Devin😍💖 #WarriorQueen

You know what hurts the most about this journey? Not being able to do for my Princes what I once could. Being unable to work I have no steady, good money coming in, and at the moment I don't have a car. It's so hard to listen to them tell me what they want, and I have no way to provide it. Yes, they understand it, but it still hurts me because they aren't used to this. I always come through when they need me, but now it's totally different. They truly only care about spending time with me, and I love  them so much for  that. But, they have needs and necessities, and I'm not sure how we've made it this far, but we are still here. I miss having fun with them so much! I miss having a home for us as well! It has literally been almost 2 years since we've had our own place to live. For a while, I was so pissed because I always have to go through hell when I watch others get it so easy. I mean, what did I do so bad? Am I being punished for making a bad decision ...

Well, next week starts up my next string of appointments. Surgery is drawing near, and I'm getting a little anxious. I just want everything to go as it should. This battle is far from over, and I know that but I miss having my own stuff ( my own house, car, etc). This life altering change has been hard😔 I still feel like a burden. I want to say so much, but don't know where to begin. Right now I just feel like I'm just stuck, and I miss my kids so much😥😢 I'll feel better for a few days, and think "Hey, I can work. " Then, reality hits me square in the face,  "Ma'am sat down. You can't do anything." So, I sit, sleep, eat, fight with these hot flashes, and wait until the next day.  Not to mention being broke doesn't help either.  This journey is hard and tedious, but it's mine to fight. TNBC is difficult. But, the journey always gets harder before it gets easier. Guess I'm just brand new. #WarriorQueen

I'm so tired of waking up and going to bed sick!! I wanna f#$% scream!! These last few days have damn near broke me. The way I got sick earlier felt more like an attack. It was so damn violent that for a minute there I blacked out again!! I'm glad my kids were here because they yelled, "Mama!" By that time I had dropped the bucket on the floor, and was sliding off the couch😭Like really, how much is enough?! I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and today has been hell. It's been a good week since my last chemo, and I'm still sick from it because it gets worse at the 5 to 10 day mark. This shit is horrible!! And I'm sorry, but I don't have anything positive to say about how I'm feeling🤬😡!! Mentally I'm exhausted trying to be and stay strong, put on a great face, and still try to do things that literally wear me out. Physically I'm exhausted and beat the hell up😭I can't sleep well, I can't eat, these hot flashes🥵 are ta...

So, this is my scar where my port was implanted. That dark mark above that is a tube that runs down the inside of my neck. This thing had been giving me the blues this week, but that's what comes along with this chemo battle. You see, every time I go to chemo they have to access my port to give me the medicine. How do they access it you say? Well, I get stuck with a little hook like needle every time. Now, this is after I come from lab where I get stuck in the arm🤦🏾‍♀️ I've been poked and prodded so much that I'm beginning to despise all needles. Each time my port is accessed it is hella painful. I slide down that chair every time hunny, but then I recover. Next, I get to sit for 2 hours through 4-5 bags of IV chemo meds. Then, my OBI(On Body Injector) is attached to my stomach. I have to wait until that little needle sticks me as before I can leave chemo. You see, with the OBI medicine I don't have to go back to the doctor to get the steroid shot. The OBI gives m...

Hey y'all! Today I'm dealing with 'Facing my Face'. I used to think that my skin was bad, and my acne was the devil!! But, when I look back I clearly can say that my 1-4 bumps every now and again ain't nothing to now. Like, I literally wake up every day with new bumps on my face. These bumps are painful, come in all sizes, and can just kill a sista's whole spirit. Your skin becomes so sensitive that everything causes it to burn, itch, and hurt. I have to take Gabapentin to try and control my nerves because this Peripheral  Neuropathy is awful. My feet were on fire and just hurt like you would not believe. I really can't be on my feet for what seems like any long or short periods of time. Then, it effects your hands making them burn, itch, and hurt. Like, it actually can get so painful that it feels like millions of electric shocks at once. You guys this stuff is no joke. I need everyone to please be sure that you do your home self checks. If you are if ag...

So, I'm on my new chemo medicine,  and it is a beast...we call it the "red dragon". We call it that because it is blood red, and the side effects are a damn beast🐉 This medication keeps me nauseous, and has dramatically changed my skin. I literally have bumps all over my face, in my ears, in my brows, and on my head. And, they hurt like the dickens. When I look in the mirror it makes me wanna cry... which I'm sure is coming soon. Like, my face has changed dramatically and I can't even wear makeup anymore. My skin is so sensitive to every little thing. All of this happening makes me realize mentally that my beauty is deeper within. I realized that I was still partially hiding behind my makeup because I didn't feel as beautiful as I thought. You know what days that I know I'm beautiful...chemo days. Because I genuinely take my time, and get myself ready makeup and all. Now this week will be my first week not wearing makeup to chemo because my skin is too ...

Right now, I feel as if I have no control over how my body feels or acts. That feeling can definitely be a bummer frfr.  I just started my new chemo meds on Tuesday, and I can tell you that I'll definitely be losing weight on these meds. I stay nauseous as hell, food is not my forte, and I'm just weak. The good thing is; I only have 3 more doses of this before surgery and then radiation.  On another note, I also had my second biopsy on my right breast on yesterday 05/02/2019. This one went much easier and better than my first one. This one was an MRI guided biopsy. Everything was done by the machine which was actually kind of chill. The only thing that freaked me out; was the sound that the machine made when it was taking the tissue samples. It sounded like a drill going in to do work🤯🤦🏾‍♀️. I was like, "Lawd Hammercy, I'm getting worked on like a cabinet drawer." 🤷🏾‍♀️😊🤣 But, I felt no pain, the dr's and nurses were & are amazing💯💯💯I really d...

Do you ever just stare at yourself in the mirror? I mean just really look at yourself...I did this morning. And it takes a toll on me every time. My skin is crazy sensitive, I'm breaking out all over, and even my  head had bumps on it😔I'm so not ok with this. I want to feel pretty & beautiful again...

You never know how things will effect you until a couple days later. Chemo whoops my a$! every other week for at least a week. The nerve pain is indescribable!!  It's like thousands of electric shocks 24/7! I can't grip things, open my medications, or actually type on my phone; I have to use my stylus. Then, the feet, Lawd Hammercy!! They stay puffy, swollen, and sometimes hurt when I put shoes on. Next, the nausea & not being able to taste food, drink, anything🤦🏾‍♀️where do I begin!! It sucks!! Finally, the body as a whole is just defeated. My bones and joints hurt like I have a undiscovered flu strain!! That's the best way to describe it. My body hurts like I have the flu to the 125th power😔 It just takes a toll on my spirit & heart ya know. There aren't any days where you feel like your old self. Like NONE😔  There are only a few days (maybe 4) that I will feel like going places, but then it's time for chemo again. CHEMO😡🤬!! It's hard but it...

I feel like I'm on pause. I can't move forward until I get well. I can't do anything, and it hurts. I can't do anything with my kids because I'm tired asf. I want to talk, but then I don't because I don't wanna complain. I'm so damn weird!! It's like I don't wanna burden anyone with my illness. Constant bone & joint pain, constant nerve pain....what else can hurt ya know.  Oh yeah my heart, my emotions are all over the place, but I try to be strong. Truth be told, I'm an emotional mess. How do you handle your emotions, but you not want to conceived as weak. Cancer and chemo are nothing to play with! They will break you, and it's in every aspect of breaking, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Then you see everyone else living their best life, while you are just trying to live, period. I try to find happiness on my good days, but those are few and far in between. I always feel better about 3-4 days before I have to have chemo a...

Ugh...the days before chemo always depress me the most. I'll spend my whole year getting well, and hopefully next year will be what I need. I'm just feeling really sad and alone right now. It sucks because this just can't be talked about with anyone unless you've been through it, and know what your body and mind goes through😔 I try to do things to get my mind on other stuff, but I only get a few good days before chemo comes again. More would be better, but I'm grateful for what I have. Maybe today is just a depression type of day. Cancer won't rule me, but it damn sure does break a sista down. I can't be there for the people who need me the most...so I'm just hoping for the best. 

I'm going to beat this, period!! Yesterday was chemo day, and I'm not feeling it at all. I'm so tired,  nauseous, swollen, and achy. I'm also losing my hair now, and it takes about a week for it to be completely gone. Not sure how I feel about this tbh. I'm glad I'm shaved my head so that I'm be kinda prepared. I think I would've freaked out finding chunks of hair in my bed or on my pillow. This feeling of going to sleep and waking up with cancer is crazy as heck!! It's hard for me not to feel lonely because no one can really understand what I'm going through. But, my support system is absolutely amazing!! I couldn't ask for anything more. It's just so hard because I still try to be like I wa before cancer. I try to do things, be active,  and when I do too much my body will sit me down. The mind is willing, but the body isn't. Let's not mention eating...ugh!! Nothing has taste, and nausea won't let me be great!! So, I drin...

I went ahead and shaved the rest of my hair off. I was noticing that the hair on one side of my head was way shorter then the rest. I also have these bumps in my scalp, and my scalp is slightly sore. This Peripheral Neuropathy is also the devil🙅🏾‍♀️!! I would love to write, but it hurts to grip a pen. This is the easiest way to get my story out. I'm not at death's door or anything like that, but I feel that I have to tell my story with this. My lil body doesn't like chemo at all!! But at least I'll be mentally prepared from here on out. My recovery time looks to be a week to 10 days. But, at my chemo class I learned that as I have more chemo things will get worse. Not looking forward to that🤦🏾‍♀️ at all, but I'm looking forward to becoming cancer free. 2019 will be the most memorable year in me and my princes lives. The struggle was already real, and I just knew I was about to change our lives and get our own home. Then, I get diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Ca...

It's so crazy that I'm sitting up here writing this with Triple Negative Breast Cancer😔. Then I started chemo Tuesday 03/05/19. I'm sad, mad, and all around just in a state of shock. As we speak I'm sitting here with a port implanted in my chest and neck for my chemotherapy. S@#!😡...I'm having freakin' chemo, like freakin' really!!!! I'm sorry but I just feel the need to say these things. This port in my chest and tube in my neck is so uncomfortable and painful. I can't lie down or lean a certain way because it causes so much pain. This chemo for me so damn tiring. I can't even do simple stuff like fix a snack, get showered, and get dressed. I was so tired after I got done doing that today. And guess what...I'm still tired. Who would've ever thought that I'd get breast cancer!! I know I didn't. Just hearing those words were devastating. I didn't know how to tell my kids or even what to say to them. Even now it's st...