So, I'm on my new chemo medicine, and it is a beast...we call it the "red dragon/red devil". We call it that because it is blood red, and the side effects are a damn beast🐉 This medication keeps me nauseous and has dramatically changed my skin. I literally have bumps all over my face, in my ears, in my brows, and on my head. And they hurt like the dickens.
When I look in the mirror it makes me wanna cry... which I'm sure is coming soon. Like, my face has changed dramatically, and I can't even wear makeup anymore. My skin is so sensitive to every little thing. All of this happening makes me realize mentally that my beauty is deeper within. I realized that I was still partially hiding behind my makeup because I didn't feel as beautiful as I thought. You know what days that I know I'm beautiful...chemo days. Because I genuinely take my time and get myself ready makeup and all. Now this week will be my first week not wearing makeup to chemo because my skin is too sensitive, but my fit will be pulled together.
No one sees this side of cancer though the media. It's not A then Z. There's a lot that happens, sacrifices to be made, and work to put in to get to Z. It's the painful sleepless nights, the waking up tired as were when you went to sleep, it's the constant all day pain of Neuropathy in your hands and feet, but yet you push thru and thrive because survival is the ultimate outcome. The hair loss doesn't bother me, but the bumps and pain in my brows & scalp does. Not being able to eat because I can't taste food is also another thing I can't stand. The only good thing about that is that I'll lose some weight. Then rocking the mask everywhere because you can't trust nor take any germs, period.
You see, I just got out of the hospital Friday with a viral infection; I went in on Tuesday. I was on round the clock super high dosage antibiotics for 2 1/2 days, and getting shots in my stomach of a blood thinner. With cancer if you get a fever of 100.4 or higher you have to go to the doctor because of risk of infection. My fever was 101, and I was having horrible chest pains that were radiating down my spine. I was on a heart monitor, and had to have an CT scan with contrast on my heart. I gave so much blood, and I have been stuck with needles so much that my nickname should be pincushion. These are the things that no one tells you about cancer. While the cancer is ravaging your body; the chemo is doing the same thing. It is literally killing everything good, bad, or ugly in your system in order to kill the cancer. In my case, with this Triple Negative Breast Cancer chemo is really the only medication I can go to. There is so pill I can take or shot that I can get. This cancer is super aggressive, and this is what I have to take in order to fight this beast.
The most painful thing in all of this is that I can't take care of my Princes (Ty & D2)😢Nothing hurts like that. I'm so blessed that they have an amazing granny that can take care of them while I fight this battle. I know they will be ok, but as a mama you wanna take care of your kids & be at everything. Well, I can't be because it's too risky to go their schools and be around other people because I can catch anything and it'll be ten thousand times worse for me because I have cancer. The battle is hell, the journey is long, but for my Princes I will fight with all the little strength I have left. They deserve their mama, and I won't let them down.
#WarriorQueen
When I look in the mirror it makes me wanna cry... which I'm sure is coming soon. Like, my face has changed dramatically, and I can't even wear makeup anymore. My skin is so sensitive to every little thing. All of this happening makes me realize mentally that my beauty is deeper within. I realized that I was still partially hiding behind my makeup because I didn't feel as beautiful as I thought. You know what days that I know I'm beautiful...chemo days. Because I genuinely take my time and get myself ready makeup and all. Now this week will be my first week not wearing makeup to chemo because my skin is too sensitive, but my fit will be pulled together.
No one sees this side of cancer though the media. It's not A then Z. There's a lot that happens, sacrifices to be made, and work to put in to get to Z. It's the painful sleepless nights, the waking up tired as were when you went to sleep, it's the constant all day pain of Neuropathy in your hands and feet, but yet you push thru and thrive because survival is the ultimate outcome. The hair loss doesn't bother me, but the bumps and pain in my brows & scalp does. Not being able to eat because I can't taste food is also another thing I can't stand. The only good thing about that is that I'll lose some weight. Then rocking the mask everywhere because you can't trust nor take any germs, period.
You see, I just got out of the hospital Friday with a viral infection; I went in on Tuesday. I was on round the clock super high dosage antibiotics for 2 1/2 days, and getting shots in my stomach of a blood thinner. With cancer if you get a fever of 100.4 or higher you have to go to the doctor because of risk of infection. My fever was 101, and I was having horrible chest pains that were radiating down my spine. I was on a heart monitor, and had to have an CT scan with contrast on my heart. I gave so much blood, and I have been stuck with needles so much that my nickname should be pincushion. These are the things that no one tells you about cancer. While the cancer is ravaging your body; the chemo is doing the same thing. It is literally killing everything good, bad, or ugly in your system in order to kill the cancer. In my case, with this Triple Negative Breast Cancer chemo is really the only medication I can go to. There is so pill I can take or shot that I can get. This cancer is super aggressive, and this is what I have to take in order to fight this beast.
The most painful thing in all of this is that I can't take care of my Princes (Ty & D2)😢Nothing hurts like that. I'm so blessed that they have an amazing granny that can take care of them while I fight this battle. I know they will be ok, but as a mama you wanna take care of your kids & be at everything. Well, I can't be because it's too risky to go their schools and be around other people because I can catch anything and it'll be ten thousand times worse for me because I have cancer. The battle is hell, the journey is long, but for my Princes I will fight with all the little strength I have left. They deserve their mama, and I won't let them down.
#WarriorQueen
Nothing but love and respect for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much I appreciate it!
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