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No, I'm not ok.. .At all!!

I'm so tired of waking up and going to bed sick!! I wanna f#$% scream!! These last few days have damn near broke me. The way I got sick earlier felt more like an attack. It was so damn violent that for a minute there I blacked out again!! I'm glad my kids were here because they yelled, "Mama!" By that time I had dropped the bucket on the floor, and was sliding off the couch😭Like really, how much is enough?! I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and today has been hell. It's been a good week since my last chemo, and I'm still sick from it because it gets worse at the 5 to 10 day mark.

This shit is horrible!! And I'm sorry, but I don't have anything positive to say about how I'm feeling🤬😡!! Mentally I'm exhausted trying to be and stay strong, put on a great face, and still try to do things that literally wear me out. Physically I'm exhausted and beat the hell up😭I can't sleep well, I can't eat, these hot flashes🥵 are taking me down, and then I get cold🥶 at the same damn time.

I just wanna be "normal" feeling again, my "normal"😢😔. Non cancerous, energy to do things (be a mom & gf)...hell I just wanna be!!! Yes, I'm pissed because I have this, but I know it's making me better. This struggle has been horrible, but it's also revealed the real to me as well.

I have so much that I want to do, so many ideas, but yet I can't put action to any of it because I'm sick. I try with my businesses, but I can't even be consistent with that because I'm sick. That hurts so bad!! I can't make any money, SSD is taking they sweet ass time because apparently I'm lying about my cancer and it's not that serious to them. I may have been struggling to find a place to live, but I had a job, money and a car. Now, I have nothing...like absolutely nothing. *I'm still mad at the dumb ass guy speeding in a rainstorm that totaled the car🤬🤬Who tf does that in a rainstorm dude? Like he could've seriously hurt my babe, but lucky the Ancestors was with my babe. *

I know it's not because I'm being lazy or anything. Maybe I'm still somewhat in denial when it comes to that part of me having cancer. Hell, I've been injured, sick, and in some tough spots but I always work it out. This is just one of those things that I can't work out. I have to sit down, I have to wait, I have to get well...I have to be dependent😔😢😭😭😢😔

These are raw, real emotions. Probably the realest I've ever wrote. I haven't seen the psychiatrist yet, but I will be going next week. I need some assistance with this mentally because it's slowly tearing me apart.

#WarriorQueen

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